How To Annoy Sousuke Aizen: The Fanfiction
by AkaneSukishima
Summary: Testing out the internet on Szayel's computer, Grimmjow and Nnoitra stumble across the list of doom. Szayel is roped into plans, and Aizen is the target. Will they survive? Crack. Read, enjoy and review. Accepting ideas and more lists.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I was having nostalgia about a fanfiction from Naruto, about Kabuto Yakushi being tormented by the Sound Five, and their antics. I have found a few lists of ways to annoy our resident evil overlord, and have decided on a select few from one particular list to use. These will be distributed out through chapters. I don't hate any of the Espada, and quite frankly love all of them, like I love the Akatsuki and Organization XIII, so be at rest my fellow Espada fans!

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. I also do not own the list, to which the credit belongs to Nemishiwa. Your list was genius!

Grimmjow sat in the scientist's lab, entertaining himself on a large computer console. Currently, he had a webpage up with the URL saying something about "fans afflicted" or "and fiction"; Nnoitra couldn't tell, as he wasn't looking directly at it, but rather at the text below it. Szayel stood on the other side of the room, separating the pieces of one of the dead fraccion's brains into different coloured containers, some steaming and smoking purple and green. This didn't deter the fifth and sixth Espada from scrolling the screen repeatedly, and giggling manicly. Finally, however, Szayel Aporo Granz had had enough, and he stalked over, gloves still spattered with gray brain matter and some nondescript fleshy clumps.

"I fail to see the entertainment," he grouched as he neared the two side-clutching Arrancar. Then, he saw the screen, and went pale.

"You... you can't be serious."

The fifth was the first to regain control of himself, and then he grinned.

"Very serious. Oh, yes... this is gold!" He clamped a hand down hard onto Grimmjow's shoulder as an imaginary light went off above his head. The sexta jumped, then froze.

A slow smile made it's way across his features, and the two hissed in unison.

"Damn!"

Szayel slowly shook his head from side to side, trying to discern any shred of sanity in their sudden decision. Alas, he found none, and leveled Nnoitra with a glare (as level as that can get, considering he's seven feet). "You are madmen. I will NOT partake in this lunacy," he sniffed, and turned away. But before he completed the turn, five bony fingers caught his collar and spun him around to face the stooping beanpole of an Arrancar.

"You aren't going anywhere. You are fucking taking part in this... whether you like it or not."

The statement came out flat, and threatening. The scientist shifted uncomfortably at the closeness of that uneven keyboard grin.

"... Have it your way, but the guillitine slices your throat, not mine."

The quinta shook him for emphasis. "Fuckin' awesome!" He released the frazzled octa's collar, and turned back to Grimmjow, who was printing out a long list of...

Ways to Annoy Sousuke Aizen.

"Perfect..."

The uncommon sight of Nnoitra closely flanked by Grimmjow and a reluctant Szayel found everyone gathered in the meeting room. Harribel regarded them quizzicly, but soon looked away as Nnoitra met her gaze, and let it travel down to investigate her cleavage. He smirked, as the three of them sat, and the meeting commenced with out further delay.

"Good afternoon, my dear Espada," Aizen greeted cordially, sipping from his tea. "I trust you have all enjoyed a productive morning."

It came out more like a statement rather than a question, and it was clear he expected no particular response as he soon continued.

"We have had some disturbances regarding the distruction of our beautiful Los Nochez. I would happily assume that it was none of you that have caused such mayhem in our domain." At this, his gaze swept quickly and cooly over Yammy, Grimmjow, Szayel and Nnoitra. A collective shiver ran through the four, and Grimmjow was met with an icy green gaze from across the table. "Trash," the cuarto mouthed, and Grimmjow resisted against all temptations to introduce Ulquiorra to a double-wammy flipping of the bird. Aizen continued.

"... These events have sparked an increase in cleaning duties, and I am regretful to inform you that the remainder of the duties falls upon the Espada. Therefor, I have compiled a short list of jobs and who will be completing them, as I'm sure that you've-"

"Who died and made you God?" shrieked Grimmjow, as he jumped to his feet, overturning his chair in the process. Gasps of surprise and murmured comments of disgust filtered through. Aizen took a long sip from his tea, and paused, seemingly waiting for another outburst. When he was satisfied, he smiled warmly at Grimmjow.

"Please seat yourself, and pick up your chair, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez. And as for your question... one does not get handed power. One must reach out and take it for himself. Power is to be gained and used, not had and passed about. I thank you for your honesty," at these words a slight rise in riiatsu greeted the trembling group, "and I hope you understood my answer as fully as I intended-"

"Liar!" Grimmjow still hadn't seated himself, and still wasn't finished screaming, apparently. Tousen's hand rested on the hilt of Suzumushi, ready to take justifyable action if necesary. Gin simply widened his grin at Grimmjow, and flicked his glance over at their leader. The riiatsu flowed higher still in the room, but Aizen kept his facial composure. "Sit down, sexta, lest I be forced to punish you."

A moment of silence followed, then said sexta leveled Aizen with a smirk.

"If you are such a God, then ... smite me! I dare you! Smite me down with your godly powers!"

Aizen's face lost all it's warmth, but no other emotion showed. "Seat yourself." His riiatsu pushed Grimmjow backwards onto the floor, into his toppled chair, breaking off two of the legs in the process. The room was silent for a moment, once again. Then laughter bubbled up from the place where the sexta had collapsed.

"Ha... hahaha! That the best you've got? Am I mistaken, or aren't you a God at all?"

Silence.

"I mean, hahaha, he can't even smite me down with his oh-so-Godly omnip... omnipotes!"

"Omnipotence," Szayel hissed from his left. He ignored this, for now Aizen spoke in his usually calm and deceivingly friendly tone.

"Cancil that order, my dear Espada. We have a volunteer to take care of all of these reconstruction and clean-up duties I had so carefully detailed out in lists. Sexta, do come claim your lists and make sure to have your tasks completed by the end of this week. Meeting adjourned."

As the Espada sonido'd out of the meeting room greatfully, Nnoitra elbowed Szayel, and he took out the printed sheets Grimmjow had prepared, and checked off numbers 1 and 2.

The quinta grinned.

Absolutely perfect...

A/N: Please review, and I hope you keep reading as I update! I am a spiratic updater, so it's not likely theywill be regular, but very likely they will be very soon and fast. I'm on a roll. At 3:40 A.M. In your reviews, feel free to let me know of more ways to annoy Aizen or any ideas you have. Oh, and a word for Dubmasterdub. Please check out Hueco Mundo Cup on youtube, by Dubmasterdub. It is the best Bleach parody I have found yet, and I guarantee all of you will love it as much as I do. There may be a reference or two in here, so it would benefit you to watch it. I'll shut up now, so you can review like the good little reviewers I know you all are. -smiling sweetly, with knife in hand- Really. I know you will.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Chapter two! Review and give me some ideas. Thank you for reading this far!

Szayel sighed. Here they were, the other two breathing all over his pens and papers while making loud and unruly laughing sounds. He tuned into Nnoitra's loud guffaws, big surprise, and pointing at Szayel.

"... 3 and 4, alright Szayel?"

The scientist paused. "So... you want me to complete 3 and 4 for you?"

The spoontastic man nodded.

Szayel shrugged indifferently, and took the papers, and looked at the selections they had made for him. The other two disappeared, Grimmjow yelling something about "grabbing camera" and "hiding and watching".

"Good morning, Aizen-sama," Szayel greeted in his silkiest voice, sinking into a bow, standing very close.

"Why hello Szayel. Nice to see you out visiting. I trust everything is going smoothly?" he smiled, sipping his tea.

Szayel nodded, sidling up closer to him. His amber eyes were fixed on the cup in Aizen's hand as Szayel's inner self screeched to put distance between the two. Aizen didn't seemed phased, but Gin and Tousen noticed.

The perpetually grinning and squinting ex-shinigami's smile widened as he speculated. Is this why Szayel never left his lab? Was he hiding something... like a crush? The smile widened a touch more at that.

Tousen, on the other hand, was not impressed. He stepped closer to his lord, and his hand once again rested on the hilt of his Suzumushi. He was prepared for justice. Gin noticed this protective behavior, and began to construct in his mind a twisted love triangle between the three men in front of him.

Could it be that Szayel harbored a barely controllable lust for his leader, while another man stood guard of his precious master?

Precious indeed, he noted slyly. He never would have guessed Tousen of that behavior. Szayel was higher on his gay list.

Yes, Gin Ichimaru had a gay list, but that's another story. What mattered at the moment was that Szayel was now leaning in towards Aizen, and taking a deep breath in through his nose.

The scientist pondered, then sniffed at him once more. Aizen raised an eyebrow, but that was all he could do before Szayel asked in a disbelieving tone:

"Is that... do I smell Herbal Essences?"

Aizen paused. Tousen stepped a threatening step closer to Szayel.

Gin writhed inside with contained laughter. Was this heading for a full-scale malling? He continued to watch.

After a moment, Aizen nodded. "How very astute, octava."

That was it?

Szayel sighed theatricly. "How very kind of you, my lord. I can recognize that scent from a mile away! And... I have to say, those butterfly wings of yours are simply gorgeous. Very flattering."

Tousen snapped.

"Are you suggesting that our lord is either gay or a transexual, octa?" Suzumushi was now in his hand, and the shikai command was on his lips; they would have left, if not for the sudden burst of Sonido Szayel tactfully used at that moment.

"Pfffffft... hahaha!" Nnoitra snickered as they played out the video him and Grimmjow had taken.

"Oh, check out Tousen!" Grimmjow laughed, pointing out the angry ex-taicho. They both burst into laughter once again, and Szayel muttered, as he took notes on a near-by experiment. These imbisoles had it coming. He smirked at that thought, but decided to wait. His vengence would take place soon enough. A knock sounded at the door then, and Szayel called out for them to come in (with a muttered "fuck off fast").

The door opened, and Tesla entered. The blonde stared around the room, and then caught sight of the video. He stopped dead in his tracks.

"Whoa... Nnoitra-sama, what's going on?" Said quinta spun around and motioned Tesla to come closer. He replayed the video, and Tesla stood in shock. Then, he chuckled.

"Oh you are so funny Nnoitra-sama."

The spoon laughed. "It gets better. I want you to help us out. You're gonna get your ass down there and do a few things for us."

The fraccion gulped visibly, and Szayel felt a fleeting moment of pitty for the boy.

"What... what exactly do you want me to do?"

Conveniently (or inconveniently for poor Tesla), a meeting had been called soon after his assignment from Nnoitra. Tesla waited nervously in the corner with a boombox in his hand, reciting his tasks over and over in his head to keep himself calm. It wasn't working, to say the least. Finally, everyone had showed up except for the much anticipated member.

And finally, the moment came when he graced the room with his presence, and his Seireitei-sized ego, and his two co-leaders flanking him. The moment he set foot inside the door however, Aizen was given a soundtrack.

How unfortunate.

Tesla pushed a button on the machine in his hand, and he set it on the ground. It blasted with surprising force the trilling voice of Mariah from West Side Story.

"I feel pretty," she sang.

Tesla took a deep breath.

'Here goes nothing'.

"GAAAAAAAAY!"

The music continued, and Nnoitra signaled to Tesla to keep going.

"Gaaaaaaay! GAAAAY! HOMOSEXUALITYYYYYYYYYYYYY! BUTTSECS!"

Ulquiorra had finally had enough. He stood calmly from the table, and pointed at the boombox. A cero later, it and a portion of the wall ceased to exist. Grimmjow sighed. More repairs for him to do later. He made a mental note to kick the shit out of Bat Man.

Ulquiorra sat down as if nothing had happened. The poor fraccion I'm afraid, didn't have such control. He squeaked, and pressed backwards into the wall, hoping against hope it would swallow him up, or that Ulquiorra had cero'd him instead.

The room was dead silent. No one moved, not even the grinning quinta, who's smile was threatening to split his face in two.

Finally, Aizen said very quietly, "What is this, Mr. Lindocruz?"

Tesla blanched. No one ever called him by his last name.

"I appreciate your enthusiasm and your support of homosexuality, however your efforts are wasted on the wrong man. I am not gay."

Tesla took a shaky breath in.

"B-but... but you came out of the closet, didn't you?"

The leader's gaze hardened slightly, and his riiatsu began to rise, but his tone remained steady. "No."

Nnoitra signaled frantically to Tesla to take the opening.

"So you haven't c-come out yet?" the brave fraccion queeried (no pun intended).

The table recieved a long crack down it's centre from the riiatsu weighing down on it.

"Tesla."

The fraccion gulped. Grimmjow ground his teeth. This better not be messy, his job was huge enough as it is, him slacking off and all that.

Nnoitra spat out between snickering, "When you comin' out? I'm sure Tousen would appreciate the loving gesture, sir."

A/N: If you are a Death Note fan, there is a good abridged by TeamDattebayo called "Death Note: The Abridged Series". Imagine that, what a unique title. It's very... VERY funny. Do watch it. And please review!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hi everyone! Here's another chapter... Oh, for Naruto fans, there is a really good abridged by Ninjabridge on youtube. The first one is called Pilot No Jutsu. It's very very funny, there's seven of them now I think. I have to admit... i have become a full-fledged Szayel fangirl. Don't ask! Just... don't ask. But do enjoy!

"Whatcha doin'?"  
>All four Arrancar jumped. Gin Ichimaru leaned casually on his hands, which were resting palms-down on the table in front of him. They were all in Szayel's lab again, a week after Tesla's assignment. Grimmjow had finally finished his list of chores, and him and Nnoitra had been laughing over some of the papers they had printed from the computer in Szayel's lab holding their proverbial death sentence.<br>"Um..." Grimmjow supplied, looking thoroughly lost.  
>"They are conducting an experiment on their own, in which I have no part of. I allowed them to use my lab for their pursuits, provided they did not disturb my own work," Szayel jumped in quickly, covering up the sexta's blunder.<br>Gin tilted his head. "Coulda sworn you were printing off lists of how to annoy Aizen-sama and trying to push him to his limits, but I suppose there's always the chance tha' I'm wrong."  
>Szayel stiffened a little. "Well... yes, it would appear that you are, in fact, correct..." He pushed his glasses up sheepishly.<br>Nnoitra sighed loudly. "What the fuck do you care?" he spat at the former taicho. Said man widened his perpetual grin, and asked lightly, "Can I try?"  
>Nnoitra thought about this. Then, he grabbed the papers from Grimmjow, and ticked off a few numbers on the list, and handed them to Gin. "Tesla and myself will follow you, and Grimmjow will follow with a video camera." Gin glanced over the pages, and nodded. "'Sidderit done, Spoonny." He stuck his hand out, and Nnoitra shook it awkwardly, deciding to ignore the nickname. Szayel had relaxed again, and was writing furiously about a small cube in a container in front of him. Gin wacked his shoulder lightly, making the octava jump. "Ya comin'? You have things you gotta do here too yeh know."<p>

The pinkette sighed audibly, and set down his pen. "If I must..."

Nnoitra, Gin, Tesla and Szayel silently followed a hiding Grimmjow and video camera. They foundSousuke Aizen in his tea room. The infamous tea room. Nnoitra stopped Szayel just outside, and Gin and Tesla paused as well.

"You know what you are going to do, right?"

Szayel nodded, and shifted, brushing Nnoitra's hand off of his shoulder. "Please restrain yourself," he wrinkled his nose in disdain, then smirked. "I mean, I am perfectly aware of my aluring features, but you must try and keep your hands off of me, as difficult a task as that might be." He gestured grandly at himself as he spoke, illustrating his self-announced sex appeal.

"I'm fucking straight, you fucking moron," Nnoitra ground out, but motioned for everyone to go into the room. As they walked in, Gin looked at Szayel and started conversation loudly and clearly.

"Exactly what do you think of religeon and all that, considerin' yer a scientist and all?" Szayel snapped to attention. "I happen to have very strong opinions on that topic, actually."

"Oh?" prodded the ex-shinigami. "Elaborate?"

Szayel gestured grandly at himself once more. "I am an atheist. This mean, evidently, that I do not believe that any God is in existence. I am the embodiment of perfection, and this God character is nothing but a myth set to console those weak enough to bow down to it. Pathetic! The only intelect powerful enough to be deemed equal to mine is Aizen-sama's."

Gin smiled wider, and tilted his head. "But, isn't Aizen-sama our God?"

Szayel shook his head vigorously. "No, no. You have it all wrong. The existence of a God is pointless, and contradictory in it's self. I do not believe a God exists. Anywhere." He paused.

"Ever."

A loud clink was heard as a teacup was roughly placed back onto a table. Aizen's face didn't change, and he said nothing.

Tesla then spoke up. "But Szayel... God must exist."

The scientist raised an eyebrow. "Really now? What pathetic excuse does religeon have to offer my poor ears now?"

Tesla fidgeted. "Well... How would we all exist then? Where did we start from?"

Szayel snorted derisively. "How original. Really, I don't know where you could have ever heard that nonsense from. Possibly not every religeous fanatic who has ever been lucky enough to speak with an atheist." The sarcasm seethed in his voice.

The Espada leader was leaning forwards in his seat now, fingers interlaced under his chin, boring his gaze into Szayel, smiling enigmatically as ever.

Tesla looked shocked. "Well... then I..." He stared at Aizen in pure horror, and pulled a large jar of water out of nowhere.

"Demon!" he shrieked, racing at him. Before the man could react, Tesla was sprinkling him with the water, and dancing in circles around him.

"ET IN TERRA PAX HO MINIBUS! DOMINE DEUS AGNUS DEI, DOMINE FILI UNIGENITE! PROPTER MAGNAM GLORIAM TUAM! KYRIE ELEISON! CHRISTE!"

Szayel watched in entertained silence, while Nnoitra looked surprised, and turned to Gin. "Where the fuck did he get holy water from?"

Gin shrugged, not knowing either. Szayel choked. "Holy water?" He sighed. "Worthless dirt."

Aizen shifted, brushing the water off of his arms and head. He waited a moment while the fraccion danced around him, still shouting Latin things at him. He finally had enough. Reaching out his hand, a well-timed swipe smashed the jar of holy water on the ground at Tesla's feet, and said Arrancar jumped back, avoiding being splashed. The leader then got to his feet, and looked about the room, being sure nothing was out of order besides his situation. He spotted Grimmjow leaning casually in the corner.

"Sexta, can you explain this situation to me? And the camera?" he asked quietly, his voice portraying false warmth.

Grimmjow smirked. "It's for when Ichigo kicks your ass. I'll show it to you later, and to him. We'll eat popcorn and it'll be a great time!"

Aizen twitched. "How shall I punish your insulance?" he pondered, touching his fingers together lightly in front of himself.

Grimmjow snorted. "Puh-leeze! What're you going to do? You can't smite me down... at all! I bet your weak enough that Don Kanonji can beat the shit outa ya."

The ex-shinigami's spiritual pressure raised, and the slightest ice entered his gaze and his voice. "Excuse me, Grimmjow?"

Nnoitra piped up. "I bet even fuckin' Nel could do it, even as a kid."

Two days later found everyone recovering in a corner of Szayel's lab. The octava, however, was not present. Everyone excepting himself had been hypnotized by Kyoka Suigetsu and forced to endure a marathon of the Titanic. They had to watch it three times in a row.

Too bad Ulquiorra missed it. He claimed later that he'd just buy it on DVD, and Aizen seemed fine with it.

It was durring this meeting, as Ulquiorra relayed some information from the world of the living that Szayel attended. Grimmjow, Nnoitra and Tesla weren't able to attend for obvious reasons. He fingered the contraption in his lap resignedly. While Aizen's attention was on Ulquiorra, szayle rose silently, and walked quickly about the table and stood behind him. The contraption now in his hand, he paused.

Then with a flick of his wrist, a large net flew out and he quickly scooped the unsuspecting Espada leader into it. As he stepped back, it was revealed to the rest of the assembled group that Szayel had captured the man in a massive butterfly net. Starrk raised his head from his sleep, and stared in disbelief. Lilinette jumped up from his side, and clapped. "Haha, that's perfect!" she exclaimed.

Szayel smiled, and holding the rod over his head, did a victory dance.

Inside the net, the ex-shinigami finally realized what was happening. With a quick start, he flinched, and then passed out.

Szayel stopped, set down the net and exited the room with a flourish.

A hiding Lumina exited after him with a video camera.

Sousuke Aizen woke up to find himself sprawled out across his bed, Gin at his side. He took in a deep breath and slowly let it out.

Gin snapped to attention, and immediately descended with a mother-hennish air.

"Are you lonely, Sousuke?" he cooed, leaning in close and brushing hair out of said man's face. Aizen pulled his face away, and opened his mouth to speak. Just before he spoke, however, he was scooped up surprisedly into Gin's arms, and was squeezed reassuringly.

"You need more hugs more often, yeh know that? Were you beat up as a kid, cap'n?"

Aizen tried to wriggle out of Gin's grip, but his efforts proved futile as his subordinate clung to him tightly, grinning a less-than-friendly smile.

"Awwww... don' be like that... yer jus' pissy 'cuz Kisuke Urahara has a cooler hat than ya do, aren't ya?"

Aizen flinched, drawing out his Kyoka Suigetsu.

"Shatter..."

"No no no, I didn't mean it, I... No... no, not the sweet potatos! Anything but tha sweet potatos!"

Aizen wriggled out of the slackened grip as his Kyoka Suigetsu took care of the ex-captain next to his bed. He layed down to sleep once more, ignoring the shouting and screaming and soon thrashing on the ground Ichimaru at his bedside.

Another good night's sleep awaits, he thought.

A/N: Let me know what you think! My head hurts, but I thought it was time I updated. Do review!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Yay! Chapter four! I'm using a few more lists of things now. I'm using all kinds of ideas,a and some that just come to me. There's a good Soul Eater abridged series by TheSeaTeam, it's priceless. Check it out. And now... enjoy! And review.

A thick stack of paper rested in the centre of the table. Around the table sat Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Gin, Tesla and Szayel. All of them were gazing at the pile intently, and all holding a small box. Finally, Szayel gave a nod, and they all opened their boxes.

A beat of silence passed.

"FUCKING HELL!" Nnoitra bellowed, slamming the box down onto the table in front of him. "THIS IS BULLSHIT!"

Grimmjow burst out laughing. "Haha, you got it? You poor son-of-a-bitch!" He whacked the table with his fist as he leaned forward, convulsing with laughter. The quinta growled, and glared down at the slip of paper in the box. He lifted it, and read it to himself, and cursed loudly again.

Gin suppressed his laughter. "You better get goin', we dunn have all day!"

Nnoitra got up, slamming his chair backwards into the ground, where it splintered into pieces. Szayel put his head in his hands, and groaned. "Distructive and obnoxious... all of you." And oh, how they'd pay. Dearly. He held onto that thought.

Nnoitra found Aizen, sipping tea. He wondered briefly if the guy ever stopped drinking tea, or if he ever left the stupid room, off of his stupid throne.

"Aizen-sama," he greeted grudgingly. Aizen looked up, but said nothing. He was growing weary of Nnoitra and his new-found group in the past few weeks. Their antics had been growing in size. The butterfly net had brought him to this unhappy realization. Nnoitra stood in front of him, seemingly deciding on how to say something. Finally, he looked him square in the eye.

"Aizen-sama... wanna go streaking?"

The man, who had sipped more of his tea, promptly spat it out all over the unsuspecting quinta, who flinched back in disgust, and then put his hands up in defense. "I was just asking! You don't have to be like that, just say no if you're that upset. I only thought..." at this, he worked his acting magic and semi-believable tears squeezed out of his eyes and down his cheeks. Aizen fumbled mentally. What was he supposed to do with a crying Nnoitra Gilga?

Really, what does one do with that?

He was not happy. Aizen recalled the night before, when he had been oh-so-rudely interrupted from sleep by two certain Arrancar.

flashback

Quiet and dark. That was the room Sousuke Aizen lay in as he slept peacefully in the luxurious blankets.

Not for long.

A very quiet clearing of a throat could be heard, and another one stifling a sigh. The leader did not stirr.

"YODEL-AY-EE-OO!"

The ex-shinigami shot upright in bed, hair tossled about everywhere, and eyes still half-shut from sleep.

"YODEL-AY-YYEEE-OO-EE-OO!"

He scrubbed fiercely at his eyes with the backs of his hands, and peered through the dark. Near the door stood two figures, one distinctly taller than the other one, but not any taller than himself. He stared at them through the heavy darkness, squinting to try and make out their faces. Gin, who has passed out next to his bed, sat up and looked over at the door, and his grin flashed onto his face, but he made no move to find out who it was. Aizen wondered if he already knew, when both figures burst out.

"YODEL-IDDLE-AY-EE-HOOOO!"

He leapt up out of his bed, and walked slowly towards the two. He stopped directly in front of the still Arrancar, and flipped the lights on. Standing facing him stood a nervous Tesla, and an apathetic Szayel. They stared at one another for a moment, one furious, one agitated, and one blank. Then Szayel grabbed Tesla's arm, and sonido'd through his door, breaking it, and away.

terminated

Nnoitra soon slowed the flow of tears, and glared at his leader. "Well then, I suppose you're t-too chicken to join me! I see how it is!" and he stormed off, wailing something incoherent as the door slammed to a rickety shut behind him.

The illusionist sat in stunned silence for a moment, then with a swift shake of the head, discarded the event and went back to drinking his tea and smiling enigmatically.

Yumichika found Ukitake and Rukia sitting outside the 13's barracks, talking. He approached the Kuchiki, holding out an envelope. "This came for you. Matsumoto from squad ten told me to give this to you. There's no sender's address on it." She reached out and plucked it from his grasp and tore it open. Glancing at the letter, she nearly dropped it.

"What's wrong?" Ukitake asked worriedly as Yumichika stood back to watch things unfold. She blanched, and lifted it to read it again.

"It's from... it's from the Espada," she almost whispered. As her eyes scanned the page, her facial expression became more and more confused, until all fear was gone and she only look baffled. Her captain lifted the letter out of her hands with out a word, and scanned it.

Dear Rukia Kuchiki,

Enclosed is a brief and nondescript blueprint of Sousuke Aizen's plans. Please illustrate them to your best ability, adding your own personal touches if you wish. Instructions on how to return this letter and your work to us will be enclosed as well.

Please complete this task before sunset.

Cordially,

Szayel Aporro Granz, Nnoitra Gilga, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, Tesla Lindocruz and Gin Ichimaru.

The captain handed her the letter. "You better get on it. There is no telling what they will do if you don't." She nodded, and scurried inside with the letter and the information to work.

At sunset, Rukia stood at the senkaimon. She dropped the re-sealed letter into it along with a thick parcel full of drawings. She watched and waited for the signal. As soon as she spotted the blue cero, she was to retreat and continue her life as if nothing had occurred. She waited, and finally there came a brilliant flash of blue, and she shunpo'd back to squad thirteen.

Grimmjow returned joyfully to Szayel's lab. It was only him and Szayel present, as the rest of them were out on missions at the moment. He sat down across the table from the scientist. "You got the frames?" he asked, pulling out the drawings. Szayel nodded, and produced a stack of ornate frames, and slid them across the table at the rummaging sexta. Pulling out the drawings, he nearly choked, stifling his laughter. On the first page, the hogyoku was drawn with little bunny ears and a smiley face. In the second one, Aizen was holding it like a rabbit tail. In the third one, he was pulling it off of Rukia and swallowing it it looked like, and it was still looking like a rabbit. The pictures went in succession like this, and each one Grimmjow framed carefully. When he finished, Szayel lifted the stack into his arms, and walked out. Aizen was not in the meeting room, Tesla had checked for them. The fraccion had just spent the last hour painting the entire room pink with some help from Szayel's fraccion. When he got in, the walls had dried surprisingly fast, and they were all waiting with nails and hammers to mount the frames on the walls. He dropped the frames off, and left, casting an apraising look across the well-coated walls. Bubblegum, he noted. It sort of declined the monotony of the whiteness of the rest of the place. He returned to his lab, and found Grimmjow had left already. The octava seated himself in front of his computer with a resigned air, and pulled up a word document, and constructed the next device of Sousuke Aizen's nightmares.

My dear and wonderful Sousuke Aizen:

It has been long since forever, since the last time I gazed upon your face. How I miss the nights I'd watch you, just to gaze on your face. Those times, sadly, have passed. I was never able to express myself fully to you my dear until now, but I am afraid it is too late. My confession becomes a bitter sweet regret, as it is too late to let our passion blossom the way it naturally should, but that will not stop me here, not ever. I miss watching you walk down hallways, obliviously innocent of my gaze. I regret not watching longer as you trained, and held secret meetings with Kaname Tousen and Gin Ichimaru. I regret not joining in and letting you be my master... but that is aside my point. How I've longed to make you aware of my feelings! It's just like dandruff... I just can't get you out of my head. Your mind, your wonderful mind. So sharp and keen, so analytical and powerful. Just like your voice. Calm and collected, always in control. I wanna make you lose control... that's part of what intrigues me about you. Just like the way you sleep, the way your hair splays out on your pillow, and the way you mumble slightly when you sleep. I love the wayou sleep talk about stealing the hogyoku, it's so cute. I could just kiss those lips. I'm serious, it's like every time you speak to someone your lips catch my attention, and it's like you're begging me to make sweet love to you. Before my passion overtakes me, I will draw this letter to a close with one statement.

Always and forever, I will love you irrevokably my beautiful.

Love, Shunsui Kyorakku.

Szayel printed out the letter, and folded it neatly and placed it in a red envelope, and tied a red velvet ribbon onto the corner, and ran it into the meeting room. Seeing that Tesla was the first to respond to his entrance, the octava handed him the note.

"Could you please slip into Aizen-sama's chambers, and place this on his bed? No one should see you doing this, of course."

Tesla nodded, and wordlessly sonido'd away to do his task. Szayel observed the room. He was pleased with his fraccion's work. The room was sufficiently hideous. A garish array of pictures against a colour that shouldn't be on walls. He could feel it burning away at his nerves, so he left quickly, and returned to his lab where he promptly forgot about everything and lost himself in another test of his.

A/N: I had so much fun writing this, especially the flashback and the love letter. They are getting much more elaborate now. Review and let me know what you think, and give me ideas. My muse is flailing a little. I hope you enjoyed!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Warning: Injuring of Sousuke Aizen happens here. Do enjoy!

Sousuke Aizen rolled out of bed and stretched. He had gotten a good sleep that night. Strolling into his personal bathroom, he hummed softly as he pulled out his razor. He glided it carefully over his face, and considered his day. He would make tea. Then he'd go over the plans, and activate their next stage. This would call for a meeting later, but he could put that off for a few hours, while he enjoyed himself and thought through some more options and possibilities, which he wouldn't end up taking because he knew his plans would go through flawlessly... as planned.

Poor naive Sousuke. As he continued, he failed to notice as a soft footfall sounded behind him. The razor was millimetres from his cheek, and-

"AIZEN-SAMA!"

Ten minutes later found him holding a rag to his face and searching his bathroom desperately for a bandage. Unfortunately, he found none. He pondered going to Szayel, but he shook off the idea. The scientist's behavior the past few days didn't make it a very appealing idea. He groaned. Damn Gin and his momentary ideas, and need to shout them out. Behind him. While he had sharp objects close to his face. He sighed. To the world of the living it was, to retrieve some. Like hell he was going to ask any of the Arrancar to get him some. It was too demeaning an action to have to admit that he'd cut himself with a razor due to be surprised by Gin from behind, shouting his name and wondering if the distinct lack of lemon juice in the kitchen was due to an insatiable craving of Tousen's. He departed, having stopped the bleeding. He would be gone for most of the day.

Gin had found Szayel in his lab shortly after he'd finished up the meeting room's "new design", and had wasted no time in regailing the octava with the story. When he was met with a shrug and a distracted "hmm" of disinterest, he dropped the subject and instead watched Szayel absent-mindedly. Then, Gin Ichimaru had a brilliant idea.

"Szayel."

Said Espada looked up. "Yes?"

Gin got to his feet, and gestured vigorously while he spoke. "Could you make something that would cause immediate cravings for tea? Insatiable cravings for tea? Unstoppably insatiable cravings for tea? Incurably unstoppably insatiable cravings for-"

"Yes, I can. Need you ask?" the octava interrupted, getting to his feet, and quickly mixing this and that together. Soon he produced a clear liquid to Gin, in a small container. "Who do you plan to infect with such a craving? Surely not Aizen-sama, seeing as he's already a fiend for such."

Gin held the container to his cheek lovingly, making the scientist back away slowly. "Why, I will slip this into Tousen's food, of course!"

Szayel looked confused. "We are trying to make Aizen-sama part with his sanity, not Tousen. What use would you..." then it sunk in. "...I am please to be working with such a devious and cunning mind as yourself," he held out his hand to shake Gin's hand. The ex-shinigami took his hand... and promptly shocked the Espada with a well-hidden device in his palm. He turned, and waving over his shoulder, sauntered out of the room. "Bye-bye!"

Szayel nursed his hand. The power of that shock wasn't large, but it was enough to create some redness. He sulked for a moment. "I thought we were comrades..."

Evening approached, not that anyone could tell with the sky overhead. No indication was given other than the clocks and calendars stationed at random intervals through out the laire. Sousuke Aizen entered, and promptly headed to his bed chambers to apply the bandage before he was spotted with such a blemish on his face. He entered, and went straight to his bathroom. Wetting a rag in warm water, he gently cleaned the cut, and then gently applied a bandage to his face. Smiling slightly, so as to not displace it, he stepped out of his room. He was considerably exhausted from dodging chancy encounters with shinigami. Seriously, why were there so many milling about in the world of the living? With that, he flopped out on his back, and landed on something that crackled under his weight. Sitting up, he fumbled under himself for a moment, and pulled out a red envelope. Looking over it and seeing no name, nor any indication of the sender, he opened it. Inside was a neatly type-written note, folded precisely, and carefully lined with the insides of the envelope. Whoever sent it must've wanted to set the best of impressions. He smiled. As they should, he thought. Exactly as they should indeed. Opening the paper, he was greeted with one of the most intrigueingly sappy and sexually charged love letters he had ever seen. Having recieved his share from several young shinigami women in the Soul Society when he was there, he was not surprised to have recieved it. However, as he approached the bottom of the letter, a strange shade of green crossed his face. He rescanned the letter once, twice, thrice... and immediately was violently sick.

Nnoitra, Grimmjow and Tesla had joined Szayel in his lab. The group had developed a sort of friendship, from which the basis was of the desire for something interesting to occur in Hueco Mundo for once. An unspoken truce had made it's place between them as they all hunched over different papers, all marking with pencils and making notes with pens. The atmosphere was relaxed, and everyone was focused for once. No bickering, and hardly a word was spoken.

Knock knock knock.

Szayel set down his pen, and headed for his door. He opened it to find the primera.

There was a moment of silence, then Starrk spoke.

"Why's the meeting room pink?"

The directness of the question took Szayel by surprise. How had he known it was them all along? Then he rationalized that it was, in fact, the primera he faced. he was bound to have some skill with analyzing situations and the causes.

"A break from the monotony," Szayel supplied, not budging from his spot. "Like it?"

Starrk looked amused. "Not in the slightest. Tell me, what are you all up to?"

Szayel was surprised. The primera was usually so lazy, and would probably much rather spend his time sleeping.

"We are conducting an experiment of sorts," the scientist explained. "We are testing the mental capabilities of Aizen-sama, and deducing his weak points."

"But why?" Starrk pressed.

"For entertainments sake. Tell me, primera, what is it you need? Because if that is all, I must return to my work."

The odd behavior of the Espada facing him was starting to unnerve the octava, and that was saying something.

Starrk sighed. "Everyone is refusing to enter the meeting room, and I can't find Aizen-sama anywhere. Ulquiorra is refusing to talk, and Gin is skulking around the kitchen like a bad action movie spy."

Grimmjow popped up behind Szayel. "He knows too much now! He has to work with us now because of you and your big mouth," he shoved Szayel out of the doorway, and faced Starrk. "Get in here and start working."

Starrk shrugged. "You aren't going to shut up if I don't listen, I suppose? That too much to ask?"

Grimmjow grinned. Starrk sighed, and walked in, and sat in a chair. Szayel closed the door, and returned to his seat, and handed Starrk some papers and a pen. Reading over the pages in front of himself, the primera was amused. He had to give them some credit, they were getting creative ideas. He settled in, and soon fell asleep, head rested on his arm across the table.

A/N: Yay! Starrk joins the mayhem! Please review! There's this one song I forgot about on youtube. szayel and Grimmjow's Japanese voice actors do a unison duet called Sangeshitsu. Wear headphones because Szayel's voice will be in the right ear and Grimmjow's in the left, and damn, can they sing! Supreme Overlord of Everything reminded me of it today. Check out her story, "Serious Repercussions", it's hilarious! Encourage her to update. Please review.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hello! I'm not doing too bad with updating this story, I am pleased! -pats self on back- Anyhow, in this chapter I speak from personal experience, and I also had a muse crash. Chapter seven will house my muse-chan returning though, very soon, in the next three days. As is my updating scheme here. Do enjoy!

Tousen was hungry. Not that this was odd, he needed food, and he rather liked it. His hobby, in fact, was cooking. He found it most artistic and enjoyable. As he set the pot to boil on the stove, he left the kitchen. From experience, he knew that a watched pot never boiled. Figuratively watched, of course. An observed pot was more accurate. One didn't have to necesarily watch something with sight to be able to observe. The other senses were more than adequate for anything necesary, such as the sound of the tap of shoes on the ground to indicate where the walls were, or a stifling of body heat when something was within close proximity. The sense of balance slightly disturbed at the top of a set of stairs, or the simple difference between motion and stillness, hot and cold. These were enough to guide Tousen through any tasks he needed to complete, his blindness hindered him not. As he made his way down the corridor, he decided to pass the time in the meeting room. He assumed he would find Aizen-sama within, drinking tea. He quickened his pace, and was soon inside the room.

An odd smell greeted him. A new type of odd tea possibly? No, it was too potent for tea. Nothing put in water could come from all directions like this. Come to think of it, they were in a desert. Exactly what was substituting for water? He cast the notion aside to avoid nausea. The smell was still there, notion or not. He shrugged, and sat in a chair.

What blindness hinders, the senses can more than cover for. However, the knowledge of the user of such senses must be extended enough to make use of the information. Simply an onslaught of smells that he had not payed any mind to in the past couldn't tell him of the horrid picture he now joined. Being blind, he had never payed much attention to such trivial and retinally schovenistic ideals as image and colour, so naturally the identity of the scent evaded him. He sat and pondered on the scent for no longer than ten minutes, and got to his feet. The water had to be boiling by now. He made his way back to the kitchen, and found Gin standing by the stove.

"I'd been wondering if you'd ever come to check on tha water," he commented, fingering the empty container in his pocket. Tousen shrugged. "I simply do not forget such things." He proceeded to make a small amount of food for himself, and was soon seated back in the meeting room, eating. Gin followed him, attempting conversation. Finally, he touched on a topic that interested the man.

"Aizen-sama hasn't been around lately, aren't ya curious what he's been up to?"

Tousen paused for a moment, lowering his fork back down to his plate.

"Well... I admit, I wondered where he was a few minutes ago, not finding him in here. Do you know where he is?"

Gin shrugged, then realized his mistake. Verbalization is necesary when speaking to someone with a visual impairment. Simply nodding and shrugging gives a sense of being ignored or unheard.

"I've got some ideas. Maybe he's sleep'n?"

Tousen tapped his toes on the ground in thought. "Possibly. Although if that is the case, wouldn't he be ill to do so at such an hour? He usually spends his time so productively."

Gin smiled wider. As he planned... then he caught himself. All of this Aizen talk was wearing off on him. A scary thought, he noted. "I'll check on him, you don't worry a bit!" He disappeared out of the room. Tousen shrugged, and finished his meal. Carrying his dishes back to the kitchen, he had a sudden craving for tea. After he washed his plate and utensils, he set about preparing hot water to satisfy this craving.

At the knock on his door, Aizen opened it to be met with a wide grin and squinted eyes, topped with silver hair.

"How ya feelin', Aizen-taicho? Ya 'ain't lookin' so hot."

He pressed a hand to his forehead, brushing aside the ever-present lock of hair, closing his eyes. "Not great, but I'm sure I'll survive. What is it you need?"

"Weren't ya going to put in the next stage of yer plans today?" He eyed him worriedly. "Ya sure ya feelin' alright?"

"Yes, yes. Gin, I'll be fine. Do gather everyone into the meeting room, and make some tea. Maybe ginger tea."

Gin nodded, and went off to make tea and gather the Espada. Once out of sight and earshot, he laughed aloud. "I can just feel the hilarity risin'."

He found Tousen in the kitchen, hungrily gulping down tea. He concealed his laughter, and faked a caring tone. "What, exactly, are ya doin'? We've got a meeting. Care to join?"

Tousen nodded wordlessly, and finished his tea. Gin made a pot of tea as Tousen left for the meeting room, and sniggered. "I wonder if anyone will actually go, considering the room's state." Then he caught himself. "I'm talking to myself... Whatever! Who says I can't?"

Silence.

"I thought so."

A reluctant Espada sat in the meeting room. Well, to be more exact, some of them were reluctant. The remaining few were on the edges of their seats, waiting for the next phase of their plans to come in to action. There was only one person who was absent, and the meeting obviously couldn't start with out him. Everyone sat in tense silence, some inwardly cringing, and some anticipating. Gin masked his entertainment with his usual smile, and sat with a stack of paper under his hands. As he sensed Aizen's riiatsu drawing nearer, he passed out the papers. Everyone sat in stunned silence. Then, before anyone could say a word about it, Sousuke Aizen entered the room. Gin gracefully got to his feet, and gestured grandly to everyone else to stand. With a moment of hesitation, the Espada all finally stood, papers in hand. Everyone took in a deep breath, and sung:

All things bright and beautiful,

All creatures great and small,

All things wise and wonderful,

The lord Aizen made them all!

They all sat, some in confusion, some in barely contained hilarity. The leader stood in the doorway, silenced by the sight before him.

His entire meeting room was pink. All of it. Not a speck of white could be seen through the thick coat of paint on the walls. If that wasn't bad enough, there were pictures of what looked like himself and the hogyoku with rabbit-like attributes lined up like a bad storyboard.

He felt his stomach turn. This wasn't good. After that letter from Shunsui, he was certain the world could offer him some mercy.

He was wrong, of course. He took one shaky step into the room, then stopped. He couldn't hold a meeting amidst this shameful decoration! His head started to fog.

If he wasn't able to face this, then he wasn't fit to stand in heaven; he wasn't fit to be a man. With that thought, he abandoned caution, and sat down in his chair, and started the meetings as usual. As he babbled on, Grimmjow kicked Szayel, and the octava returned the gesture. Grimmjow kicked him again, and Szayel noticed this time that a paper had been passed to him, via the sexta's foot. With an air of mild disgust, he read it. Then, with a smirk, he stuck it to the sleeping Starrk's arm. The primera lazily plucked it off of his sleeve, and shrugged. It wouldn't be a difficult task. Szayel returned his focus to the meeting.

Finally, it ended. "Does anyone have any questions, comments or concerns they would like to express here?" Aizen queried, meeting gazes with all of his Espada. After a moment, Starrk spoke up.

"Did you ever have a girlfriend? Like, ever?"

Everyone snapped to attention immediately. Not only had the primera actually woken up and said something, but now Aizen's face was turning an interesting shade of green. Starrk waited.

When he had finally decided that Coyote Starrk was serious, the ex-shinigami finally answered.

"No, primera. I find no use for-"

"Ha! He's a virgin!" Nnoitra burst out, slamming the table with his fist as he laughed.

"I knew it!" Grimmjow joined in, grinning. "So leader, ever had a boyfriend?"

Nnoitra gasped for air. "Bet he hasn't, remember? He hasn't come out of the closet yet!"

The leader promptly fainted.

"Meeting adjourned," Gin waved, and disappeared. Ulquiorra lifted Aizen over his shoulder, and sonido'd off, probably to drop him off in his room safely. But that's only as far as we know, now isn't it?

Grimmjow and Nnoitra high-fived, and exited, closely followed by Szayel and a grumbling Starrk.

Tesla stepped through the garganta with six large grocery bags hanging on his arms. He carried them to Szayel's lab, to be met by the quinta.

"Good. You got them. But why the fuck are you bringing it here? You know what you're supposed to do, you idiot!" The fraccion bowed and apologized, and headed off towards Aizen's bed chambers. Outside, he quietly emptied the contents of the bags, and left, to return to his master's side.

Sousuke Aizen woke up, his head pounding. He really needed a cup of tea. Standing up shakily, he approached his door, and opened it. He stopped at the scene in front of him. Mass amounts of wrapped candies and chocolate littered the floor just outside his door. As he stared, Gin approached.

"Ah, Aizen-taicho, yer awake!"

Said man shook his head groggily. "Please tell me I am seeing things, Gin."

"Afraid not, taicho," Gin mocked an apologetic tone. "Ukitake sent it for you. He heard you were ill and-"

Aizen waved a hand. "I don't want to hear any more. Now... can you get me some tea?"

Gin shook his head. "No, sorry 'bout that. I was coming to tell you, Tousen drank it all, and he's now passed out on the table in the meeting room."

Aizen rubbed his forehead, and turned to go back into his room. "Gin, please come adn let me know when the epocolipse strikes, so I can be the first to go."

Gin nodded. "Sure thing, taicho! ...Hey, wait a moment! Want my shotgun?"

Aizen shook his head slowly. "No. I don't want your... shotgun? Wait, where did you get a shotgun?"

Gin smiled, and left.

A/N: Pathetic... I know. I can do lots better. But trust me, next chapter will be a whole lot better. Don't forget to give me ideas! Oh, and there's a good Kingdom Hearts parody called Organize This. Check it out, it should be on Youtube. I'm not sure if it's on newgrounds too or not. Oh and...

"To be a man you must have honour, honour and a penis!"

If any of you can tell me where that is from, I will write the first one of you to tell me any one-shot of humour and/or yaoi that involves the Espada. Please review!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Now chapter seven, with slightly more suffering. Side-effects may include disturbing lack of respect for Sousuke Aizen, and an increase in healthy respect of Szayel's personal space. Enjoy!

Nnoitra and Gin waited, perched up high. Both were waiting and watching for one Espada. They had been set the task of retrieving him to meet in Szayel's lab for the next stage of the plan. Soon, their target arrived. Gin counted down with his fingers while Nnoitra got into position. As Gin hit one, Nnoitra pushed. The grand piano slid over the edge, and promptly fell where a sleepy Starrk had just been standing. With a resounding crash, it promptly shattered into many pieces, keys flying everywhere. Starrk appeared moments later, standing up on the ledge, facing Nnoitra and Gin. There was a tense moment of silence, and then Gin leapt into action. He swept the Primera's arm into a loop through his own, and dragged him off, Nnoitra following. As they approached Szayel's lab, Starrk sighed. He found himself seated at a table along with Szayel, Nnoitra, Grimmjow, Tesla and Gin, who were all shuffling papers, and scribbling hurried notes here and there. No one passed him papers, and he was glad for that. He lulled off into sleep, and was jarred awake again by a sharp kick to the shin from Grimmjow.

"Stay awake."

It wasn't so much a request as a demand, and Starrk complied, not wanting to create a needless scuffle. A knock sounded at Szayel's lab door. The octava opened it to find Ulquiorra.

"Aizen-sama called a meeting," said the cuatro, not even blinking at the odd gathering before him. Szayel nodded, and closed the door, turning to face the group.

"Are we prepared?"

Everyone nodded, and got up to follow him to the meeting room. As they all seated themselves, they noted that the pictures had been removed from the walls, and that long black curtains had been hung over them to hide the paint. Aizen sat at the head of the table, looking thoroughly dishevelled. Grimmjow was confused. They hadn't messed with him in over a week. He kept looking at him until the entire Espada was seated, and he shifted his attention to the table in front of him. Aizen started to speak.

"As you are all aware, my goal is to subdue everyone... to subjugate the world at my feet."

There was a pause, and then Nnoitra nudged Stark. The Primera inwardly sighed, and put forward his hand.

"Aizen-sama, don't you think that plans for world domination are kinda girly?"

Aizen frowned. "Not at all, my dear Primera. It is only so feminen if the leader does not command respect the way I do, wouldn't you agree?"

Szayel then spoke up. "Yes, that would be true. However, I'm not sure that the name Sousuke Aizen commands as much respect as say... Shinji Hirako."

The ex-shinigami inwardly cringed. Not again, he thought. Not again.

"That's a bad example octava," smirked Grimmjow. "I think a better example would be Kisuke Urahara. It just has that ring to it, you know what I mean?" He paused for effect. "Kisuke Urahara... now that commands attention."

The leader pressed his hands to his head, massaging his temples. It was starting again.

As they all bickered about the respect Urahara's name commanded, he noticed Szayel's gaze resting on him. Finally, when there was a quiet opening, the octava spoke.

"There is no need to be worried, Aizen-sama. We, as your loyal followers, will ensure that every aspect of your appearance demands the respect you so deserve. I have decided; over the next three days, we will make you over to be the perfect image of respectable and honourable lord."

Nnoitra, Grimmjow and Gin all nodded vigorously. Szayel smiled around at them. "And it looks like I have a crew already volunteering. I will take command of this operation, since I have such an impeccable sense of style. The plans will be executed straight away. In three days time, you will be perfect!" The octava stood along with Nnoitra, Grimmjow and Gin, and they circled around behind the leader's chair, and picked him up, chair and all. They carried him out of the room and through many of the hallways. He didn't bother protesting. Not to mention, being carried felt comforting, provided they didn't drop him down a flight of stairs, or anything of the like.

They stopped at a large metal door with no sign on it and set him down.

"Please stand Aizen-sama," requested Szayel as he opened the door with a flourish. Inside was a large room filled with mirrors, shelves and counters. There were three salon chairs lined up in the room as well, in front of mirrors and counters stocked with elastics, hair dryers, combs and sprays.

He backed away slowly.

"Please, this is all highly unnecesary," he pleaded to the group now ushering him inside. Against his protests, he was soon seated in one of the chairs, and had Tesla standing behind him, in deep conversation with Szayel. Grimmjow, Nnoitra and Gin stood over by the door, probably guarding it so he couldn't run away. He cringed, gazing around the room. It appeared the entirety of the inside of the room was made of sekiseki. he cursed inwardly. What a situation to land himself in. He tuned into what Szayel was saying.

"...the Ikkaku Madarame look," he finished, and stepped back. "Don't disappoint me."

Tesla nodded. "Don't worry, I can do that easily with out a flaw." He then picked up a comb, and a pair of scissors. Aizen disregarded what Szayel had been saying. It was just teasing, he decided. He wouldn't dare do such a thing. As the fraccion snipped and flipped his hair, he closed his eyes, and sank into a moderate doze. All too soon, his shoulders were being shaken. He opened his eyes, and immediately regretted it. He was facing a mirror, and facing him out of the mirror was a shiny, bald head. He blinked, and shook his head, noticing the airflow on his scalp, and the lack of hair brushing his forehead and ears. Looking once more, he leaned backwards into the chair, and closed his eyes again.

"I obviously need more sleep," he murmured. "I can't be awake."

As soon as they were all sure the man was asleep, Grimmjow and Nnoitra sonido'd off to Aizen's room. As they reached the door, Nnoitra pulled it open. "Do you even think he keeps it in here?" Grimmjow shrugged, and they headed for his personal bathroom. Opening the door, they found a neatly organized and pleasantly warm room of moderate size, with soft carpeting, and large expansive counters and mirrored cupboards. The lighting was a warm friendly glow.

"Holy shit," Grimmjow commented, looking around. "This place is nice." Nnoitra was already rummaging through the cupboards, and waved a hand in the dazed sexta's face. "I found it. Now where do we put this shit?" He held out three large bottles of hair gel, and a bottle of hairspray. Grimmjow thought for a moment, taking two of the bottles of hair gel.

"Maybe we could hide it in the back of one of the freak's cabinets or something. Seriously, who the hell is going to look around in that lab for a couple bottles of this?" The quinta nodded, and they both left, heading for Szayel's lab.

The scientist leaned over the slumbering leader, needle in hand. He gently applied a strong numbing cream to his face, and after a few minutes, wiped it clean with a small cloth. Gently, so as not to wake him, pulling his face up into a ferel grin, he pressed the seringe into the flesh, squeezing out the substance into the facial muscles. He continued this procedure, injecting at least sixteen seringe-fulls of botulinum toxin before applying a little bit more of the numbing cream. He waited for two minutes, and cleared the face of the cream, and stood back to wait. Gin took a peek, and held back a shout of laughter. Tesla also looked, and backed away, hands clamped over his mouth as his eyes sparkled with helpless amusement. Szayel smiled at both of them, inwardly congratulating himself on his work.

The quinta and the sexta entered the scientist's lab, and glanced around. It was just the two of them. Grimmjow's eyes scanned the room for a suitable hiding place for the cosmetics they carried. Finally, a cabinet in the back caught his attention, and he pointed at it, afraid that if he spoke something would come bounding out at them. One never knew when standing in Szayel's dwellings. Nnoitra snatched the bottles from Grimmjow, and yanked open the cabinet. Inside were rows upon rows of tiny glass tubes and jars, all filled with brightly coloured liquids. Nnoitra pushed a few aside, and set the four hair products in the very back of the top shelf. As he pulled his hand back, he knocked off a tiny jar full of a dully-glowing purple substance. He leapt back, and the small container shattered at his feet. He cringed away, and slammed the cupboard door shut. He glanced down, and realized all too late that his right boot had landed in the liquid. He jumped and pulled his right leg, only to find that his boot was stuck to the ground. Grimmjow watched him, laughing. "You are such a fucktard, dude. I'll see ya later," the sexta snickered, leaving an angrily shouting and flailing Nnoitra behind. For extra measure, Grimmjow shut off the lights as he left, leaving it dark.

Nnoitra grumbled, and tried to move his leg again. He growled at his foot. He had already thought of trying to take it off to get away, but there wasn't any room to bend over to reach his boot with out knocking over some other ungodly fluids. He loudly cursed, and stood still, surrendering himself to his fate until the crazy octava came to release him.

A/N: I had a lot of fun writing this. I found two funny Kesha parodies on youtube. One of TikTok, and the other of We Are Who We Are. They are both death-inducingly hilarious. If you stay on google, and type in "Youtube - kesha parody key of awesome" they both come up. Please review, and feel free to give me more ideas. Thank you all so much!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Chapter eight, with 30% more fanservice! Don't worry, no yaoi will come out of this. I'm keeping away from pairings all together. Treat this with a grain of salt. Now, with out further delay... enjoy!

"What are you doing?"

"Exactly what it looks like."

"... And what is that?"

"You are so stupid."

"So I've been told."

The whispering roused him from his sleep. He groggily shifted his weight. Had he fallen asleep in a chair? He opened his mouth to yawn... and found it considerably difficult to move his face. The lower portion, to be specific. It also felt like his mouth was already open, and stretched somewhat from ear to ear. Now that he payed more attention, half of his face was very numb. He couldn't feel a thing. He also noticed the cool breeze brushing past his scalp.

... His scalp? He froze in horror. If he could feel a breeze on his scalp, then...

"Shush."

"Okay."

"Be silent, will you?"

The whispers continued behind him. He slowly opened his eyes... and realized they had been pulled considerably as well. He opened his eyes as far as they would go, and looked in horror at the large mirror in front of him.

Facing him was a shining bald head, two squinted eyes and a wide, mocking smile. He tried to gape, but realized his face was pretty much frozen in this state. His mind raced for a conclusion, then he recalled how he had just been having his hair styled, and how he had decided the result was a nightmare, and had promptly fallen asleep. Slowly, it dawned on him.

Taking in a deep breath, he let it out slowly through his mouth.

Terrific.

Just fucking wonderful.

Szayel sidled up next to him, showing up on the right side of the mirror.

"How are you feeling?"

Aizen decided not to answer, but replied with a different question instead.

"Where is your shirt, octava?"

Szayel smiled, and leaned in close to examine his leader's face. As he poked and prodded the stiff flesh, his smile grew.

"Looks like the treatment was successful! Of course that is expected. It is my work after all."

Aizen shifted uncomfortably. He hadn't found it too hard to talk. There was enough give in his face to allow for relatively clear speech. That was an up side, if there was one. The octava stepped back, looking satisfied as he folded his hands gracefully in front of himself.

"What do you think?" he asked the room at large. Tesla and Gin approached, and gave the ex-shinigami a thorough once-over.

"He looks awe-inspiring," Tesla commented. "Very regal."

Gin nodded. "He certainly inspires respect when ya look at him. Very intellectual lookin'."

Finally, it clicked.

"You gave me... a Botox treatment?" he asked quietly, each syllable seething with killing intent as he tensed.

Szayel, seeming unaffected, patted the top of his head. "Yes, my lord. It has done wonders for Gin."

The grinning man nodded. "Yes, I've gotta admit. He's right."

"When have I ever lead you astray, my dear man?" said Espada wrapped an arm snugly around Gin's waist. Gin, sensing another plot underway, slid his left arm around the other's waist, giving a squeeze. "I knew I could always trust ya Szayel," he purred. The octava leaned his head down on Gin's left shoulder.

Aizen, feeling he was seeing something that wasn't supposed to be seen, quickly got to his feet, and took his leave. As soon as the door shut, the two sprung apart, looking disturbed.

"Never again," the ex-shinigami shuddered. The octava nodded in agreement as he pulled out a small rag and some sanitizer. Spotting this, Gin made a dramatic gasp. "I'm not that bad... am I?"

His dramatics earned him nothing, and he shrugged and departed to throw the next stage of their plan into action.

He found the primera asleep, predictably. Not long after he started looking, he found Lilynette, rummaging in a box.

"Hey, can ya wake up Starrk for me?" Gin asked, surprising her. She turned, and smiled mischievously. "Yeah, of course I can!" She zipped into said primera's room, and leapt, landing in a heavy heap on his gut. He stirred, and she laughed, throwing a well-aimed kick into the side of his head.

"Wake up!" she shrieked, proceeding to grip his neck tightly and shake him about violently. His eyes slowly opened, and he writhed. She smiled wider, and using his leg for leverage, leapt into the air, and landed on her knees on his stomach once again. He gasped, and tried to push her off.

"Quit that," he mumbled, pulling his pillow over his head. "Gimme a break," he mumbled out as he dozed off once more.

"Don't you dare go to sleep again!" she hollered, ripping the pillow from his grip and bringing it back down on his face with a muffled thump. He groaned, and she continued her abuse. Finally, she rolled off the side of the bed as he shot bolt upright, looking irritated. "Would you leave me alone? I was sleeping!" She shot up off of the floor and right back into his lap as she smothered him in a glomp.

"Mornin'," she chirped. He sighed, and hugged her back. "Good morning. Now what do you want?"

She let go with her right arm to gesture at Gin. "I dunno," she laughed, sliding onto the floor and walking out. "Seeya!"

Starrk sighed. "Is there a meeting or something?" he asked, already getting ready to lay back down. Gin shook his head. "Nope. I've got a job for ya, though." He handed Starrk a small slip of paper. "You gotta find Aizen-taicho and do as it says. Better get goin', find him before he goes to his room to cry." Gin waved as he left, his next destination being Szayel's lab to wait for the others to return.

Starrk read over the paper, and promptly layed back down, tossing it onto a small table as he fell. Just as he got comfortable in the blankets, a foot connected with his face.

"Don't sleep!" He sighed, and let his feet lazily hit the floor.

"Mmmmmm... I like it."

"I know, I've always been great at this. How does it make you feel?"

"Well, I'm getting urges in my areas."

"... You mean, like this?"

"Yes, exactly like... mmmmm... like that."

He froze just outside the lab doors. Was he hearing this right? The first one to speak had sounded like Grimmjow, and it sounded like he was talking to Szayel. Gin leaned his ear to the crack, and continued to listen.

"If you like that, then I'll give you this."

"Yes!"

"You want it?"

"Yes!"

"Really?"

"I fucking said yes, now give it to me!"

Gin clamped a hand over his mouth. Was this really happening?

"You're neglecting me," Nnoitra's voice sounded.

"Sorry, I'll get to you in a moment. It is hard to tend to two people with him demanding so much. Hold on and I will be all yours."

"Mmmmm... yes, that's perfect," Grimmjow purred.

Gin couldn't take it anymore. He threw the door open.

Szayel, still shirtless, was leaning over Grimmjow who was seated on the ground. He had one hand close to his face, and the other where Gin couldn't see because he was turned away. The look on the octava's face was ecstatic, as he reached towards the bluenette in front of him, who had his head tilted back slightly and appeared to be looking straight up at Szayel. Nnoitra stood in the back of the lab amongst a group of tipsy looking tables, eyeing a tray of assorted chocolaty baked goods next to the conversing pair on a table.

"You... you were taste-testing?" Gin stuttered. "R-really? That's all?"

Szayel nodded, and Grimmjow turned and stood.

"What the fuck did you think we were doing?"

At the smirk on the ex-shinigami's face, Grimmjow recoiled. "You sick fuck..."

Szayel wrapped his arms around the sexta's waist. "You never know, Jaegerjaquez. For all you know, we might have been-"

"Don't finish that," Grimmjow interrupted, turning a light shade of pink. "I'm not gay. What the hell is wrong with you?" He wriggled out of the octava's grasp.

Szayel smiled at Gin. "He seemed to be thinking something else. Mind telling us what you were assuming?"

Gin opened his mouth to speak, and promptly flew backwards, propelled by a heavy nosebleed.

"I suppose that is our answer," the octava noted, then slowly approached the twitching man. He sank to his knees next to him, and broughthis lips close to the other's ear. "You could have joined us, you know."

A/N: I loved writing this one. Hope you enjoyed! Fanservice was by request, and I thought it was funny. There is a fanfiction called "Well, That Wasn't Supposed to Happen", and I think you all would like it. Do check it out! It should be under the characters Szayel and Nnoitra, it's over 10,000 words and has humour as a genre. Search it up, it's hilarious. Please review!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I'm sorry for the late update! I got distracted, and am planning a cosplay with some friends for the anime festival in my city. Me and a group of my friends are going as the entire Kuroshitsuji cast. I just found a Sebas-chan, and I am going as Grell of course! I need to make them watch the second season, because I want a Claude and an Alois too. Anyhow, do enjoy this chapter! I've been rewriting it over and over again. Please review with ideas.

Regal. Respectable. Awe-inspiring. Intellectual.

These were all words that Sousuke Aizen would not use to describe his reflection in his bathroom mirror. He leaned heavily on the counter, bracing himself with both hands on the edge. The shining cap of his head was blinding, and encouraged people to look away, not to approach with reverence. His eyes were even worse, and the smile just completed things. He would often use his previously-stunning looks to encourage loyalty from the younger female Arrancars. He felt nothing from this manipulative persuasion, and quite benefitted in many ways.

A squeak from the other room broke him from his pondering, and he took a deep breath. Turning around, he saw Coyote Starrk lazily sprawled out across his bed, seemingly rubbing his face in the blankets. It was an almost child-like gesture, had it not come from Coyote Starrk. Judging from the fact that it was, in fact, coming from the Primera set off warning bells in his head. Approaching the wriggling Espada, he cleared his throat.

Starrk stopped, and looked up. A brief silence followed in which the Arrancar's eyes opened wide. Then all at once, he leapt up and landed on top of the ex-shinigami, knocking his breath out.

"Aizen-sama!" He squealed uncharacteristicly. Aizen winced. The entirety of Starrk's weight was on his chest and throat, effectively blocking any oxygen intake, and their faces were an inch too close. Another silence followed.

"..."

"I love your new hairdo..."

Nnoitra shifted uncomfortably. He had been stuck there ever since himself and Grimmjow had taken Aizen's hair crap, and he was getting sick of being stuck to the floor by some unidentified substance.

"Hurry it up, Granz!" he whined. The octava was putting away the assorted baked goods he had been feeding to Grimmjow. This only served to infuriate the quinta even more. What kind of deal was that? Hang out shirtless, feeding Grimmjow chocolates, and ignoring the person of real importance in the room?

As Szayel stowed the treats away in a small fridge, he replied. "Have patience, will you? I will be there in a moment."

Finally, the octava made his way over to the trapped Nnoitra, and opened the cupboard behind him. Taking a quick mental catalogue of what was missing, he chuckled.

"Oh my, you really are stupid," he commented, withdrawing a darkly glowing tube from the cabinet, and closing the door.

"I'm not fuckin' stupid," the quinta complained, shivering at the closeness of the insane experimentalist. He watched uncomfortably as the drops slid from the octava's fingers and onto his boot.

"You sure about this?" he asked irritably. The scientist smiled. "I assume it will work."

"You asume? What the fuck kind of..." he trailed off as his boot peeled off of the ground. Grinning, he walked through the maze of spindly tables, knocking one as he went. It was steadied by a lightly laughing octava.

"Don't leave yet, we're still waiting for your fraccion and the primera."

Nnoitra shrugged indifferently, and took up a spot on the wall, near the doors. Gin was seated on the floor, resting his chin in his hand, and Grimmjow sat at a table not far off.

Szayel cleaned up the floor by the cabinet, and then got to his feet. He gracefully made his way through the topply tables and towards where the sexta was seated, looking over some more things he had printed. He slid open a closet door set into the wall, near to Grimmjow's back, and pulled out a hanger, holding a clean outfit. He layed this out across the remaining space on the table, and shut the door to the closet. Since he was already with out his shirt, he simply pulled his pants off, and folded them neatly on a chair.

Nnoitra hissed. "What the fuck are you doing?"

The scientist gave him a Look. "I am changing my clothing. I should have guessed you lacked the observational capacity to comprehend this simplest of tasks." At this moment, the door opened, and in walked Tesla. He quickly made his way to his master's side, then stopped in his tracks, seeing the undressed octava standing next to an uncomfortable sexta.

"What..." he began, but decided against saying anything else. Nnoitra seemed almost transfixed. This bothered the fraccion. Why was he watching the emaculate and effeminate Espada with such interest? Then, as if to answer his thoughts, Grimmjow spoke up.

He was close enough to Szayel to have seen everything, and so Tesla thought this question to be of utmost interest.

"Hey... where's your hollow hole?"

The octava pulled on the clean pants. "My glands," he replied. The sexta looked confused.

"Your glands?"

Szayel shook out the clean shirt. "My glands," he repeated simply. Pulling the fresh material over his head and onto his torso, he cleared away the dirty clothing. Nnoitra still looked confused.

"Where are your glands?" he wondered.

"They are all over the body," was his response. As the octava sat himself quietly next to Grimmjow, Tesla spoke up.

"Have you no shame? You just don't do that in front of people."

Szayel smiled, and locked gazes with the fraccion. "One has no reason for shame, when there are no flaws to be ashamed of."

Tesla then understood, and conciously folded his arms across his chest. Gin laughed. "Ah, leave tha kid alone. Not everyone can be as impeccable as you."

Szayel nodded. "No one can."

There was a long, awkward stretch of silence afterwards, then finally Nnoitra moved to sit down as well. Tesla shadowed his steps, and sat down as well. Gin didn't move from his place against the wall, preferring to be the odd one out. Desolate. Barren. Singular, solitary. Forever alone...

The primera headed down the hallway, satisfied with his work. He had completed two tasks all in five minutes. He thought it was a waste of time he could be sleeping, but more often than not the results were somewhat entertaining, so he endured. This attitude had absolutely nothing to do with the looming threat of his grapes turning into raisins via Lilynette's fist if he didn't comply with the crazy groups demands.

No, it wasn't anything to do with that.

Not at all.

Heh.

Aizen stiffly raised his body off of his bedroom floor. Shakily getting to his feet, he noted the toll the stress was taking on his body. He still had half a day left to go, and there was no time to waste. He found his contact cleaning solution on the bedside table, and let his mind wander as he cleaned, and then put the contacts back into his eyes. He blinked once, and blinked twice.

Everything was green. Why was everything green? Even the walls were tinted... even the mirrors looked green!

Then he realized. It wasn't the world around him that was green, it was something in his eyes.

The contacts.

The contact sollution.

... Fuck.

Ink really was a dangerous substance. He vowed to remember that as he crazily dabbed at his eyes, pulling off the small plastic layers. He gritted his teeth, and then realized. He had no more sollution, and like hell he was going anywhere or talking to anyone with that kind of look.

Then, he smirked. Tousen wouldn't see it, even if he spoke to him. He opened his door a little, and leaned out.

He took in a long deep breath, and shouted.

"KANAME TOUSEN!"

After a moment of silence, the ex-shinigami came walking swiftly down the hallway, and stopped in front of the door. Aizen opened it all the way, and stepped out to face his comrade.

"I need a little favour. I have run into complications, and there needs to be a meeting later today. I also need you to go and get me some new contact cleaner."

The darker man looked confused. "What happened?" He asked. Aizen winced. "You don't want to know. But seriously, we need to get on this. Right away."

The command in his voice sent Tousen striding back down the hallway, preparing for his quick trip to the world of the living. Aizen sighed and rubbed his temples. Feeling his fingertips brush his scalp, he scowled and stepped back into his room, slamming the door behind himself. He was going to kill his Espada once his plans were complete... and oh, would they pay dearly! First off with the octava's hair, and one good, long thick scar across his face and eyes would do the trick. And then with Grimmjow, locking him in an indistructable cage of sekiseki should be good enough.

As he planned his Arrancars' death and demise, he absent-mindedly cleaned his contacts again, and put them back in.

'Damn it all to hell', he mentally cursed. This time, as he removed the lenses however, everything remained green. A nice, rich, deep green.

He groaned.

As the primera passed the meeting room, he glanced inside. He still had one more thing to do. He just wasn't all that fond of raisins, after all. Spotting exactly what he wanted on the table, he dodged inside, plucked it into his grasp, and then proceeded on his way to the octava's lab. At least today they would get more than the usual to eat. An unusually cruel smirk graced his lips as he considered. This could actually be fun, after all.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed! And as I was talking about earlier, if you are a Kuroshitsuji fan, and have watched the second season, type in "Claude Yes Dance" into youtube. It is hilarious! And with that note, please review!


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Holy crrap, you guys. I did it. I returned! I lost an internet connection at home since October, and only recently got it back. Am in full-swing fangirl state of Szayel again, and am ready to write the hell out of this fanfiction! Prepare yourselves!

Hallibel rolled over in bed, scrubbing at her face. Quickly, she sat up. She was not one to linger in bed for long. She sttretched luxuriously, and a hiding Mila-Rose flew back through a wall, propelled by a large nosebleed. Hallibel sighed, and stepped into her closet, pulling on her uniform. As she stepped out, she became aware of what must have awoken her. The heavy scent of salt and spices greeted her pleasantly, and she immediately thought of fried potatos. The tercera strolled leasurely out of her room, and followed the scent.

After a good ten minutes of walking, she came upon the entrance to Szayel's lab. Confused, she stopped, sniffing the air again. No, she decided. This had to be the only place it was coming from. She pushed open the door, and stepped in. Having not been in this room before, she scanned over it with mild interest. She didn't care much for the stupid little rumors about Szayel being a crazed madman, but as she viewed something particularly revolting, she decided to reserve judgement on these stories.

As she stepped further into the room, she caught sight of Gin, Starrk, Nnoitra, Tesla, Grimmjow and Szayel, sitting around a large unknown thing with a fire under what appeared to be Aizen's zampakuto.

She stopped, registering the situation. Then, she whipped around to face Szayel.

"You are going to be annihilated. You do realize this."

It came out as a statement, rather than a question.

Szayel sniffed. "No need to become contentious. I know perfectly well what these fools are doing in my presence."

Nnoitra's head snapped up. "Oh, don't even try to blame half of this on us. You're the one who is letting us use your fucking lab."

Grimmjow followed this up with a growled "Asshole."

Szayel shrugged, and turned away disdainfully. "Worms," he muttered.

After a moment, Hallibel took a seat next to Tesla. His gaze lingered for a moment on her, and she took this moment to find out more.

"What's that?" she asked, pointing to the thing the sword sat on.

Tesla shrugged. "Don't know," he admitted. Szayel turned around, smile in place. "That is called a barbecue."

Tousen stood uncomfortably in the doorway of a store. He had listened to passers-by earlier, and figured out it was called "Shoppers drug-mmart". He guessed this was as good a place as anywhere to get contact solution. As he lingered in the doorway, an annoyed customer waited behind him. Finally, the angry woman pushed past him, muttering a string of curses before disappearing from ear-shot. He felt insulted. How was he supposed to make sure he wasn't going to screw things up? He needed a moment. He justified his road-blockiness clumsily, as he finally stepped into the store. As he walked, he found a shelf to his right, and used his hand to trail along to the end of it. He could really use something to help him around his unfamiliar surroundings.

He found an empty metal hanger on the shelf, and lifted it from it's place. He held one end in his hand, and let the other touch the floor in front of him. It was a little short, he found. After a moment, he decided not to worry about it, and to hurry up.

He moved a little faster now, the post in his left hand, and his right hand trailing the shelf. As he moved, he crossed an aisle, and came to another shelf. The scent of synthetic fruit and soap lingered heavily around him, and he sneezed. How unmanly. He wasn't particularly caught up in being incredibly masculin, he did still hold a bit of male pride though. He quickly made it through the mess of fruity scents, and calme upon an aisle with small boxees lining the shelves. He lifted one, and found it to be incredibly light. Shaking it, it sounded like it held small packets inside. Discretely, he slid his hand deep into the shelf, using the other boxes as cover, and opened it to discover it's contents.

Six small packets greeted his searching fingers, and he pulled one out. Squeezing it, he found there was a small pocket of air trapped inside, along with a small ring of material, about an inch across. As he prodded the packet in his hands, the little ring flexed easily under the pressure. He was suddenly reminded of a gummy candy, but put it out of his mind. What if this was something important, like... like a contact lense! He cracked a small smile at his discovery. He had, instead of having to buy liquids, had actually found much better contact lenses for his leader. Happily, he found an identical box with the same weight and sound of sliding packets inside, and proceeded, metal stick in hand tapping the floor to the time of his footsteps, towards the beeping of the registers. This was where he could purchase this amazing discovery. He knew this much, at least. As he neared the beeping, he bumped into something. As he reached up with a hand to find out what it was, he found it pleasantly greeted by a soft knitted material covering a round, squishy... something. He squeezed once, twice.

"KYAAA!"

The last half hour had been spent explaining their massively elaborate plan to Hallibel. Grimmjow insisted it should be called plan R.U.B.A.S.S., but Nnoitra wanted Operation B.U.T.T.S.E.C.S.

Szayel beat them all with Plan S.E.X.Y.T.I.M.E.

Of course, none of this mattered to the tercera Espada. She had been engrossed in the explanation, and decided she'd join. Existence had been boring for a long time, and she wanted something to do that didn't consist of canning perverts like Nnoitra and being sexy. Finally, the had perfectly sold it to her, and had the perfect idea. She left the lab after a few more minutes of listening to their excited babble. She was headed for the kitchen. As she had left, they had all requested coffee. She shrugged, and thought it was decent payment to them for giving her something interesting to do.

As she reached the kitchen, she was glad to find no one occupying it. She immediately set to work, rummaging through the cupboards. It didn't take too long for her to find a bag labeled "Coffee Beans". She had no idea what "Espresso" meant, but anything would do. She found the teapot, and after boiling some water, poured it in.

She gazed at the small bag of beans, before shrugging, taking a large handful, and dropping them into the teapot. She waited, staring boredly at the spout. After what seemed like at least twenty minutes, she lifted the lid and glanced in. The water inside had taken on a see-through brown colour. With the beans floating around in it, it looked like steaming diarhea. She put this thought out of her mind, and set to work, pouring out six cups of the horrid smelling substance.

In all honesty, she had never made this coffee drink before, and now cared not to find out any more about it. It couldn't be that far off from tea. It was also a hot drink, and it's not like they had much else anyway.

She thought for a moment. Aizen had been having a rough week. She decided to pour him a cup as well. She did plan to screw up the weeks to come, but that didn't mean she had to be a suspect.

She decided her first order was to deliver the cup to Aizen. As she walked the halls, she stared at the blank whiteness of the walls. How boring, she noted. This place needed something to liven it up a little.

An idea came to her almost immediately. Maybe they didn't need to decorate. Maybe they just needed to add something to the life within. She smirked, and continued on her way, the steaming cup of "coffee" in her hand.

Aizen sat dejectedly on his bed, waiting for Tousen to return. He stared at hi now green wall.

Should he even care any more? Did karma exist?

He screwed up his face in annoyance. Stupid colour. Now he was dillusional. He was God, he was the one and only. He relaxed, but only for a moment. A knock sounded at his door, and he excitedly invited them to come in, expecting Tousen and a new bottle of glorious clear contact solution.

A moment later, Hallibel entered. She stopped for a sec, seeing the exact damage that the group had done. She masked a smirk, and handed him the cup of coffee.

"Aizen-sama, it seems as if you've been having a hard week. As your loyal Espada, I have prepared you some special tea. I hope these horrible happenings cease as soon as possible." She left before eh could say anything. Holding the warm cup of "tea", he slowly took a sip, reminding himself that not all of the Espada had lost it.

... Yet.

He spit out the coffee.

A/N: This is going to be awesome from now on. My marks are back up, and MMuse-chan has returned. I hope all of you enjoy this chapter, and thanks for reading! Please review!


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: And another chapter! I give credit to Sinsanity for helping me complete this chapter. She is an idea machine! So, go onto deviant art, search out AnnaNightfall, and read her stuff and drop a comment. I think some of you might like her poetry. Onto the story!

Szayel brought the knife down onto Kyoka Suigetsu, and it came apart easily. The spices scented the air tantalyzingly, and Grimmjow leaned in to get a closer look.

"I want that half," he pointed as Szayel swatted him away.

"This is all of our snack, sexta." He lingered on the first sylable of sexta for a fraction of a second longer than normal. His hands expertly adjusted the knife, and he cut again. As he precisely cut out equal portions, the door of his lab opened, and Hallibel strolled in, a tray topped with cups filled with a dark substance in her hands. She set the tray on a table close to the group, and sat in her vacated seat.

As Szayel finished cutting, he called to a random fraccion to get a small stack of plates. As it returned with them, he began to dish out the pieces to everyone. As Hallibel took her portion, she breathed in deeply. She didn't think much of the pink-haired Espada loading her plate with barbecued zanpakuto, but she had to hand it to him; he knew how to cook.

As he filled up the last plate and handed it to Tesla, there came a knocking at the lab door.

Everyone paused. A piece of food was suspended on a fork between Nnoitra's plate and his open mouth.

Szayel brushed a spot of salt off of his leg, and stood up. He approached the door, and pulled it open.

A deadly silence filled the lab as a pair of green eyes coolly regarded them.

The silence lengthened as the eyes continued to stare from the dim corridor. Soon, the face came into full focus, and the Espada inside of the lab unfroze. Nnoitra dropped his fork onto his plate loudly, cursing.

"Damn it!" he shouted, elbowing Tesla off of his chair, causing the fraccion's plate of zanpakuto to go flying into a thankfully empty table, where it shattered and dropped to the floor. Grimmjow leapt to his feet, his plate on his chair, forgotten.

"Ulquiorra!" he growled.

Said Espada continued to gaze about the lab, appraising the mess. Finally, he spoke.

"What is this?" he demanded.

Grimmjow snorted. "It's a room, ass hole."

Ulquiorra snapped his eyes back to the bluenette. "Filled with Espada. Trouble-making Espada. A room, in short, filled with trash." He gestured to everyone within the room. Szayel looked offended, but Ulquiorra continued.

"I shall clean this up now for Aizen-sama."

Grimmjow leapt over the few chairs separating the two, and stepped up to Ulquiorra, getting into his face. Said espada turned his head disdainfully, and met the gaze of an irate scientist. While Grimmjow spewed nonsense into his ear, Szayel simply held his gaze, conveying all of the annoyance he felt.

A loud crash brought everyone's attention to the center of the room where Hallibel stood atop a pile of broken equipment.

Szayel fell to his knees, but remained silent, as the tercera's riiatsu fell on them heavily.

"This is enough," she declared.

No one spoke, and she continued.

"Please state your business, Ulquiorra Schiffer."

Ulquiorra turned to face her.

"There are unusual occurrences, and it is my duty right now to put an end to them. I place blame upon all of you for-"

A pile of chocolaty baked goods rained down on the unsuspecting cuarta's head. Grimmjow stood on the edge of a table, holding the large box that used to be filled with the treats Szayel had made days ago. Szayel pulled at his hair in despair, but Grimmjow continued to unload the box of tasty goodness onto the cuarta's head. Ulquiorra spun around, and shot his hand forward, ready to sink it wrist-deep into the sexta's chest. As the hand moved, Grimmjow stood on his toes, raising his torso just enough. The hand sunk into Grimmjow, and straight through his hollow hole.

A moment of silence passed.

A giggl- ... A manly chuckle rose from Nnoitra's throat. "So, Ulquiorra, getting fresh with Grimmjow I see."

Ulquiorra didn't respond, seemingly frozen to the spot.

Szayel smirked. "It's far beyond that, Nnoitra. Can't you see? He's penetrating him."

He paused to lick his lips sensually.

"Deeply."

Nnoitra and Tesla both burst out laughing. Grimmjow slowly looked down to where Ulquiorra's arm ended at his torso, and grinned toothily. "Bet you've always wanted to get inside me. Problem is, you'll never be the top. You're too small and insignificant."

As Grimmjow went on his ego-trip, Ulquiorra flexed his hand once, then twice.

Szayel, being the observant one of the bunch, noticed something strange.

"Hey, Cuarta," he tried to draw the rapped attention of the suddenly focused arrancar.

"I don't see your hand on the other side. Does that mean it's somewhere else?"

Ulquiorra squeezed again with his hand. He had found a cushion. A soft, warm, round cushion with pockets.

Internally remarking on the oddness of a pocket-pillow, he slipped a finger into a pocket.

The pillow moved.

He quickly snatched his hand out of Grimmjow's hollow hole, and stepped back, staring at his hand.

Toshiro Hitsugaya launched a large book off of his desk, standing with the effort, onto the stomach of his sleeping lieutenant. Matsumoto, as always, had passed out, and refused to lift a finger.

The book connected with a heavy thud, and she sprang up, clutching her stomach in surprise.

"I'm awake, I'm awake!"" She whipped her head around wildly, then realized her captain was standing a few feet in front of her.

"Rangiku."

Matsumoto gulped.

"Yes?"

Hitsugaya stepped forward mennacingly.

"Matsumoto, I..."

She uncovered her face at the sudden silence. Peering down, she saw her captain looking thoroughly confused. He glared up at her after a moment, then continued what he was going to say.

"As I was saying, Matsumoto, I said you are never to-"

This time, Matsumoto saw something strange. Her captain twitched back, and both of his hands balled into fists.

"Matsumoto, I- YAAAAAA!" He leapt into her arms, desperately clutching at his butt. "GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!" he shrieked, writhing in the confused and worried lieutenants arms.

She awkwardly flipped him over to see what the problem was, and found a small, disembodied pale hand writhing at the opening of his pocket.

She began laughing, and the furious Hitsugaya managed to flip himself out of her arms and onto the ground where he writhed and swatted at his rear.

After things quieted down in Szayel's lab, and after Ulquiorra had left, stating "I must return to business", everyone sat in a circle around the cooling barbecue chatting excitedly.

Almost everyone.

A quiet sob reached the keen ears of the octava, and he turned.

Crouched between two low tables was the forlorne and pale figure of Gin Ichimaru.

"Gin, you should come and join us. You look lonely over there all by yourself."

The octava smiled. "Or I could come over there and show you the real location of my hollow hole."

Gin quickly got to his feet, and pulled a chair into the circle, and took the last piece of zanpakuto, and chewed on it thoughtfully, looking much happier.

Grimmjow looked up, hearing the comment.

"You already told us where your hole was," he said, eyeing the octava suspiciously. "Were you lying?"

Szayel's smile widened. "Yes. Yes I was."

Hallibel caught the inventor's gaze, and shook her head ever so slightly.

He pushed up his glasses, and turned to Grimmjow. "If you follow me, I'll show you." He got gracefully to his feet, and strolled out of the room, into a small sideroom.

Grimmjow uncomfortably looked around the group.

"I'm not going alone," he remarked.

Nnoitra gave him a shit-eating grin. "You scared, like a little kitty?"

Grimmjow snarled. "I'll show you scared! Why don't you go in there with me then, if you're so manly?"

Nnoitra immediately sobered up. "That's not fair," he complained.

"Is that you giving up your man card, Nnoitra?" Gin asked, finishing the last piece of zanpakuto, patting his stomach contently.

The Quinta growled, and got to his feet. Grimmjow lead the way to the sideroom, and the two marched in side-by-side, the door shutting mysteriously behind them.

A moment passed.

Two moments passed.

Three...

The door opened, and an amused Szayel came out. No one followed.

He closed the door behind him, leaning in and whispering something just before it clicked shut. Two whimpers of shock escaped from under the door as Szayel made his way through the tables back to the group. He glanced around, and sighed.

";This is going to cost me a lot of money to repair all of this." He gazed around at everyone in the room.

"I don't think Aizen-sama is in commision any more," he noted.

Tesla nodded, and Gin leaned forward. "So who's our new target?"

Szayel tapped his fingers together in thought, looking up at the ceiling.

The sideroom door opened, and Grimmjow and Nnoitra came trudging out, both wearing faces of ultimate chagrine. As they silently sat, no one spoke.

Finally, the pinkette levelled gazes with everyone.

A snore floated audibly over the lab, as Starrk rolled over, kicking a milling fraccion into a wall.

No one payed attention.

"Our next target will be Ulquiorra Schiffer."

Tousen entered Los Nochez, and made the familiar walk to Aizen's quarters. As he reached the door, he heard wretching and crying clearly from inside. With out knocking, he entered the room, and found the edge of the bed easily. Holding the bag of items in his lap, he patted the matress, searching for his superior's arm. Finding Aizen's elbow, he patted it reassuringly.

"It's okay now, Aizen-sama. I have returned with your solution."

He reached into the bag, and pulled out the box proudly, fourishing it dramaticly.

Aizen stared at the packet in Tousen's hand.\

"Kaname Tousen... what are the chances I will ever use those in this state?"

Tousen blinked, confused.

"But, I thought... aren't new contacts helpful?"

Aizen massaged his forehead in frustration, kicking his feet into the air, bouncing back on the bed in defeat.

"Yes, Tousen. Those would help a hell of a lot more than condoms would, you mocking bastard."

A/N: That was a lot of fun to write. Again, partial credit goes to Sinsanity. Check out her story, "What Cruel Irony". Please review, and feel free to give ideas on how to annoy Ulquiorra! Poor guy. Hope you liked it!


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